Fat Mum Walking

Opps.
Anyhow, I'm still here. I guess that's something? Not sure anyone is reading but it does help me to get things down.
I've been feeling really down about my weight lately, even though I do think I have lost some; my rolls of fat are deflating slightly. But I'm still huge- really huge Usually I just get on with life and go my merry way and what other people think of my size doesn't affect me too much
But lately, a few things have happened that have made it hard to ignore how people regard people my side in general.
1/ I had to take a long haul plane journey and i really had to squeeze myself onto the plane. luckily I was sitting next to the kids, and they are teeny so I wasn't squashing a complete stranger but I was really uncomfortable for hours and hours. The seat belt just fitted but there must have been a couple of people who it didn't fit.
Also I've spent the last couple of day in lecture theatres with too small and very uncomfortable ( for me) seats.
2/I have been refused life insurance because of my weight even though my BP is good, my HR is low and Cholesterol and blood sugar are totally normal at last test. That was totally embarrassing- even if I lost 8 stone, I'd still be 'too fat to insure' which is totally depressing. I don't bring a lot of money into the house but I do look after the kids- if something happened to me, my DH would struggle trying pay for childcare and work full time. So it worries me that I can't get any life insurance.
3/ One of the lectures I was in was about diabetes, so of course the word 'obese' came up. And every time it did, the speaker looked right at me. And then of course I felt like everyone else did too. I was mortified and felt like walking out but everyone would have watched me go.
In reality, I'm sure hardly anyone noticed me but I felt very conspicuous and embarrassed by my size.

I have begun to half think about dieting again but know it wouldn't work. I think I probably need to concentrate on upping my exercise but need to figure out a way of doing that.

I remember this place! Hello *waves*
I've been away for so long that I had to go back and read my old entries to get an idea of what I was about back then. Interesting stuff.
What's happened since then?- well; we went on holiday. All 6 of us; in a car; from the UK to Switzerland...it was, well, it took a long time. It wasn't quite as bad as I thought it would be though.. I ate a lot of crap on the drive down though- that's a definite throw back to the car trips of my childhood.
But when we got there we had a very active holiday, despite the quantities of food offered and eaten. I enjoyed moving around and I got a little fitter and dropped a bit of weight as well. I have no idea how much,as I no longer weigh myself and only a few people have commented but I have noticed the difference in my clothes and the fact that I feel stronger and fitter.
But we had an incident on a mountain while on holiday and the knee I had a patella scrape on last year is sore again.
I have a plan involving doing some exercises for my knee and taking anti inflammatories for a couple of weeks- if that doesn't help then I guess I'm off to the GP to get referred again.

I'm doing okay with my IE ( although every time I say that, I end up binging!). But it's hour by hour and day by day atm- it's definitely not a habit yet. Roll on the day it becomes one!

Over the last couple of days I have found it much easier to not eat when I'm not hungry.
Is this because I have correctly identified what I am feeling and why? Can it really be this simple?
I know not everyone will agree that their fat has some advantages. I've mentioned this in real life and on various forums and people disagree vehmenently. They HATE their fat, it does nothing for them- they seem almost insulted by the idea that they may be making/keeping themselves fat on purpose.
I imagine most people would be as animated as to the possibility of being scared of being thin. Even more so. I bet they say they long to be thin, there is nothing they want more. I haven't suggested it to anyone except a fellow IEer who is in the same place as I am and she seemed interested. However, she could just have been distracted by screaming children. I need some feedback on this thought.
Anyhow, the fact remains that in the afternoon, when I want to binge, I now know what I am feeling is anxiety/fear of being thin(ner).
So I acknowledge this, tell myself that it will be okay and I will deal with it when it happens. I let myself feel the fear and give myself a mental hug. It's scary but it's going to be okay.
I think this is why I have resisted some of the principles of IE that would be most helpful for me- tune in, put it on a plate, eat mindfully.... Not because I'm worried it won't work for me but WHAT IF IT DOES?? What if I do eat less and lose weight? Diets were fine, I always knew I'd 'fail' at those in the end but IE is different.
So is this THE lighbulb moment for me? I know it is a moment.
We'll just have to see if it's a big moment or a smaller one.

There may be a reader out there somewhere who doesn't realise it's the school holidays, but I doubt it.
2 weeks down, 5 to go. The last 2 weeks we are on holiday but we still have three to fill. The weather hasn't been great but the holidays haven't been too dire.
I managed to get away for an overnight spa break with some friends earlier this week. It was very relaxing but I was aware the whole time of how quickly it would all be over. It was good for me to have some 'time off' though. I would love to do it more often.

My feet are much better at last so I've started walking again. I only had two physio sessions but the toe raises and calf stretches have helped so much. I saw a different physio the second time who pointed out I needed to strengthen the muscles in the arch of my foot. Orthotics can support but they don't make it stronger- so I need to concentrate on doing that to help myself.

At my last appointment with V, we mulled over my inclination to eat when hungry in the afternoon. Why do I do this? I actually feel quite anxious if I don't have a little binge at that time. This question has been going around and around in my head and I've always come back to how my fat gives me an advantage in many aspects of my life.
It protects me, like a 'thick skin' would. People don't take me seriously and expect me to be thick- just because I am fat. I don't like to dress up or wear make up and to me this seems more acceptable as a fat person. A thin person is expected to make 'some effort'- when you are my size people assume you are beyond help. If people speak to me and seem to want to be my friend, I know they really like me. If they don't seem to like me, then I can blame my fat- it's not really my fault. And I know I am safe from unwanted attention from men- as someone who has been on the sharp end of that particular pointy stick then I feel safer knowing that any attention I receive from men is purely platonic.

The other day I was going through these rather common reasons and realised that, not only do I quite like being fat, but I am also scared of being thin(ner). The thought actually makes me anxious- the feeling is very similar to the anxiety I experience in the afternoons when I feel like I must eat.
I', worried that if I was thin(ner) people would notice me more (ironically fat people are almost invisible), I would be 'expected' to make more effort with my appearance ( which begs the question; why don't I want to make an effort- am I not worth it, am I too lazy or am trying to piss my mother off), people will expect more of me in general. If people try and make friends with me, they may only like me for my appearance. If they don't like me I can no longer blame my fat

My mother constantly ignores the many things I have achieved in my almost 40 years on this planet; my degree, my marriage, my kids, and prefers to focus on the fact I am fat. Oh and that I don't wear make up or dress nicely ( unlike my sister on all of those counts-she's thin, well dressed and made up but has neither a degree, a husband or children. It's not a pissing contest but I don't think this is a co incidence).
I guess I get some perverse pleasure in being fat beacause it bothers my mother so much. She doesn't really like me all( although I'm sure she loves me)and I guess, while I'm fat, I have something to blame. If I was thin, then the most likely excuse for my own mother disliking me would disappear....

Hold that thought, I think I'm on to something here.

I had more viewers than usual yesterday because I got a mention in the BC newsletter.
Hello to anyone out there!

Anyhow, I had physiotherapy on Tuesday for my PF. It was quite painful but very relaxing as there was not a small child in sight! I had ultrasound treatment and have some exercises to do, it made me realise how weak I am. I need to start doing some weights again, I used to enjoy that when I belonged to a gym. We also have a X trainer in the garage that I might pull out and relocate to the living room. I think I would use it more in the house. We'll see.

I had a very interesting chat with my lifecoach the other day. One of my continuing frustration is my tendancy to procrastinate and feel bad about it, so eat instead. It drives me mad as I KNOW i'd feel so much better if I'd just get off my arse and do whatever I should be doing.
V suggested that I was doing this to rebel against my busy life and instead of telling myself off about it I should listen to my body which obviously wants some time to relax. She suggested I give myself some time to myself in which I do whatever I feel like doing, then do what ever I'm putting off.
I've always thought I *should* do the hated thing first, then have some me time.
It's an interesting shift in perspective- very much in line with IE principles.

The heat over the last few days has suppressed my appetite and I've been eating out of hunger a much higher percentage fo the time. I think this is artificial but who knows?

Ok, I have a 3 y o to get to nursery and a dog thats needs walking. DS will be in and out of the buggy as he often is these days, so I can't see it being an intense exercise session!!!

Blog.co.uk misses me. It must be true because the message is in my inbox

I'm so slack/busy but I think it's really important that I keep on blogging; it does help me to get my thoughts down 'on paper' and it's a kind of caring for myself. This is something I am dreadfully bad at

So where am I IE-wise? A friend and I are 1/3 of the way through an IE course with BC. It's not being hugely helpful for me. It's good having the notes and questions to work through but I find it frustrating having it drip fed to me in weekly installments. It's all kind of revision for us as we've both done the IE workshop- I feel a bit frustrated with it tbh.
I'm not sure what my weight is doing,I thought it had gone down a little but now I'm not so sure. I've done a lot of retail shopping on ebay though and now I have loads of clothes that fit me.
I've been reading parenting books instead of IE books atm- my 7 year old has suddenly sprouted hormones and I've discovered that the carrot and stick approach of discipline is not going to work for us , so I'm looking into more child centred alternatives. The kids are keeping me very busy actually- and the summer holidays are fast approaching-eeeeeeek.
My walking/ exercise is going a little better. I saw a consultant for my plantar fasciitis the other day and will start physiotherapy next week. Of course, this means I have to find childcare for the 18 month old who has entered search and destroy mode and can't accompany me anywhere that there may be buttons to press. The consultant basically said to keep my MBTs on most of the day, instead of going bare foot and it has really helped.
It's still sore in the mornings though.

Anyhow the school run beckons.
TTFN

45 days!!!
I forgot about this for 45 days!
Shame on me- oh well.
Hmm, what's been happening?
Well, I didn't do the moonwalk, which I was gutted about. I didn't have time to do enough training and my plantar fasciitis didn't disappear in time, so I'm planning to try again next year.
And as far as IE goes, I think I'm a very little bit ahead I think. I got hole of a copy of Geneen Roth's 'When Food is Love'. For some reason this is quite an old book that is out of print, so I had to order a 2nd hand copy from the States. But it was well worth it for me.
This was such a powerful book for me, so much seemed relevant; I could only read small bits at a time.
I do think the key to 'getting' IE for me is emotion. I need to work on unearthing the emotions that I try to cover by binging eating when not hungry.
Today, I was in the car, driving the kids home from soft play. It was a 40 min drive home, 20 mins of that on the motorway and I was bored. I so wanted to eat and finished what was left of DD3's sweets. I'm not sure how to 'sit with' boredom! Any suggestions?
Actually, maybe I'm feeling fear as well? Driving does freak me out a bit, especially on motorways and I rarely drive anywhere without entertaining the possibility that we could all be wiped out in a horrible car crash. Thats a pretty reasonable thought to want to squash isn't it?
But right now, I'm safe at home and trying not to slip into my usual afternoon feeding frenzy. I actually feel sad when I don't eat- almost tearful in fact. Why? Is it because I'm realising that food can't actually fill the hole?

Anyhow, I'm embarking on the BC e course this week, so that should give me something concrete to witter on about. I bet you can't wait....

I want an apple ...and some muesli...and milk in my tea.
I had a couple of slices of white toast with butter and cheese this morning which is what I quite often have on a normal day. But because this is about all I can eat for the next couple of days, all I can think about is what i can't eat
I've eaten when I'm not hungry all day- I haven't even allowed myself a squeak of hunger Pah- I'm not even cross with myself because i *knew* this would happen.
I have a potato omelette in mind for tonight and I'm wondering if a glass of white wine would do any harm....
J

On Monday I am having a colonoscopy. For those of you who are lucky enough not to have any idea what I'm talking about, lookie here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colonoscopy

I'm not expecting it to be pleasant although I am going down the sedation route.( A surprising number of people opt out).DH is taking a day off so I'm trying to see it as a day off childcare duties.

Anyhoooo- the point of this post is, for two days before the 'procedure'( ie from tomorrow), I am only allowed to eat cheese, white bread, butter, eggs and potato without skin! I am also allowed to drink clear fluids so am wondering if white wine or gin is permitted.

After 18 months of eating pretty much what I please, it feels very strange to be about to be restricted in what I'm eating and I'm experiencing a classic 'feast before mentality' famine!

Off to do the school run now but I'm going to blog about this whole thing over the weekend, so will be back.

Oh I've been negligent,I know.
I don't even have a good excuse apart from life getting in the way.
Life in the form of a minor bout of depression, poorly children, a contrary three year old, walking the dog, house work, running a taxi service and a 14 month old who has learned to walk.
So thinking about IE has taken a bit of a back seat.
I've just been cruising along and I think I may have lost a little weight but whereas I used to beat myself up over the numbers on the scales, I now beat myself up when I eat when I'm not hungry. I am starting to realise *why* I'm eaing and think about how I'm feeling at those times. It's usually when I have something coming up that I'm not looking forward to (like bath time- i HATE bathtime!)
I found blogging really helped me work things before so I'm back...
I am walking though. I bought myself new shoes last week and am gradually getting fitter but it's hard to find time to go for a walk without a child. I count myself lucky if I get out with just the one in the buggy. I have a place in the 'half moon' ( 13 miles) on the 16 of May , so need to be able to walk 10 miles by then.My legs and feet are so sore at the moment- I've hoping it's my body getting used to the new shoes and not just because i'm so FAT