I had a session with V last night and had a bit of a illuminating moment.
I've been struggling with the IE concept of putting food on a plate, focusing on it and eating it slowly. It sounds like the simplest thing in the world to do but I'm unbelievably resistant to it. I don't want to do it: I don't even want to try doing it and I couldn't work out why.
Anyhow V was carefully edging me towards talking about this and it hit me. I'm scared that if I focus on food it's going to lose its magic. If it loses its magic and becomes 'just food' then I'm not going to want to eat so much. And eating is how I show myself that I care for myself. I take care of myself by feeding and suppressing all those hard feelings I'd rather not deal with.
My mother was never that nurturing to me and I do quite enjoy looking after others ( until they become too demanding) but I really don't have anyone who cares for me. My husband would dispute this but I'm certainly not top of his list- he does cook for me and helps with the kids & around the house, but his idea of caring for me is vastly different to what i wish for.
The trouble is if I'm not going to use food in this way, then what am I going to use? It's going to take some deep thought.