Fat Mum Walkinghttp://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/en-EUhourly82000-01-01T12:00+00:00Fat Mum Walkinghttp://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/2d/ad78a820c2bb38379ffa51b57409a6_160x200.jpgAnother month goes by.http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/11/08/another-month-goes-by-7329813/2009-11-08T11:25:27+01:00 <p>Opps.<br> Anyhow, I'm still here. I guess that's something? Not sure anyone is reading but it does help me to get things down.<br> I've been feeling really down about my weight lately, even though I do think I have lost some; my rolls of fat are deflating slightly. But I'm still huge- really huge <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"> Usually I just get on with life and go my merry way and what other people think of my size doesn't affect me too much<br> But lately, a few things have happened that have made it hard to ignore how people regard people my side in general.<br> 1/ I had to take a long haul plane journey and i really had to squeeze myself onto the plane. luckily I was sitting next to the kids, and they are teeny so I wasn't squashing a complete stranger but I was really uncomfortable for hours and hours. The seat belt just fitted but there must have been a couple of people who it didn't fit.<br> Also I've spent the last couple of day in lecture theatres with too small and very uncomfortable ( for me) seats.<br> 2/I have been refused life insurance because of my weight even though my BP is good, my HR is low and Cholesterol and blood sugar are totally normal at last test. That was totally embarrassing- even if I lost 8 stone, I'd still be 'too fat to insure' which is totally depressing. I don't bring a lot of money into the house but I do look after the kids- if something happened to me, my DH would struggle trying pay for childcare and work full time. So it worries me that I can't get any life insurance.<br> 3/ One of the lectures I was in was about diabetes, so of course the word 'obese' came up. And every time it did, the speaker looked right at me. And then of course I felt like everyone else did too. I was mortified and felt like walking out but everyone would have watched me go.<br> In reality, I'm sure hardly anyone noticed me but I felt very conspicuous and embarrassed by my size.</p> <p>I have begun to half think about dieting again but know it wouldn't work. I think I probably need to concentrate on upping my exercise but need to figure out a way of doing that.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/11/08/another-month-goes-by-7329813/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Opps.
Anyhow, I'm still here. I guess that's something? Not sure anyone is reading but it does help me to get things down.
I've been feeling really down about my weight lately, even though I do think I have lost some; my rolls of fat are deflating slightly. But I'm still huge- really huge :( Usually I just get on with life and go my merry way and what other people think of my size doesn't affect me too much
But lately, a few things have happened that have made it hard to ignore how people regard people my side in general.
1/ I had to take a long haul plane journey and i really had to squeeze myself onto the plane. luckily I was sitting next to the kids, and they are teeny so I wasn't squashing a complete stranger but I was really uncomfortable for hours and hours. The seat belt just fitted but there must have been a couple of people who it didn't fit.
Also I've spent the last couple of day in lecture theatres with too small and very uncomfortable ( for me) seats.
2/I have been refused life insurance because of my weight even though my BP is good, my HR is low and Cholesterol and blood sugar are totally normal at last test. That was totally embarrassing- even if I lost 8 stone, I'd still be 'too fat to insure' which is totally depressing. I don't bring a lot of money into the house but I do look after the kids- if something happened to me, my DH would struggle trying pay for childcare and work full time. So it worries me that I can't get any life insurance.
3/ One of the lectures I was in was about diabetes, so of course the word 'obese' came up. And every time it did, the speaker looked right at me. And then of course I felt like everyone else did too. I was mortified and felt like walking out but everyone would have watched me go.
In reality, I'm sure hardly anyone noticed me but I felt very conspicuous and embarrassed by my size.

I have begun to half think about dieting again but know it wouldn't work. I think I probably need to concentrate on upping my exercise but need to figure out a way of doing that.

Comments

]]>Oooooooooohhttp://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/10/05/ooooooooooh-7103346/2009-10-05T14:25:07+02:00 <p>I remember this place! Hello *waves*<br> I've been away for so long that I had to go back and read my old entries to get an idea of what I was about back then. Interesting stuff.<br> What's happened since then?- well; we went on holiday. All 6 of us; in a car; from the UK to Switzerland...it was, well, it took a long time. It wasn't quite as bad as I thought it would be though.. I ate a lot of crap on the drive down though- that's a definite throw back to the car trips of my childhood.<br> But when we got there we had a very active holiday, despite the quantities of food offered and eaten. I enjoyed moving around and I got a little fitter and dropped a bit of weight as well. I have no idea how much,as I no longer weigh myself and only a few people have commented but I have noticed the difference in my clothes and the fact that I feel stronger and fitter.<br> But we had an incident on a mountain while on holiday and the knee I had a patella scrape on last year is sore again. <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"><br> I have a plan involving doing some exercises for my knee and taking anti inflammatories for a couple of weeks- if that doesn't help then I guess I'm off to the GP to get referred again.</p> <p>I'm doing okay with my IE ( although every time I say that, I end up binging!). But it's hour by hour and day by day atm- it's definitely not a habit yet. Roll on the day it becomes one! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/10/05/ooooooooooh-7103346/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I remember this place! Hello *waves*
I've been away for so long that I had to go back and read my old entries to get an idea of what I was about back then. Interesting stuff.
What's happened since then?- well; we went on holiday. All 6 of us; in a car; from the UK to Switzerland...it was, well, it took a long time. It wasn't quite as bad as I thought it would be though.. I ate a lot of crap on the drive down though- that's a definite throw back to the car trips of my childhood.
But when we got there we had a very active holiday, despite the quantities of food offered and eaten. I enjoyed moving around and I got a little fitter and dropped a bit of weight as well. I have no idea how much,as I no longer weigh myself and only a few people have commented but I have noticed the difference in my clothes and the fact that I feel stronger and fitter.
But we had an incident on a mountain while on holiday and the knee I had a patella scrape on last year is sore again. :(
I have a plan involving doing some exercises for my knee and taking anti inflammatories for a couple of weeks- if that doesn't help then I guess I'm off to the GP to get referred again.

I'm doing okay with my IE ( although every time I say that, I end up binging!). But it's hour by hour and day by day atm- it's definitely not a habit yet. Roll on the day it becomes one!

Comments

]]>Fear of thinness ( cont)http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/08/03/fear-of-thinness-cont-6639804/2009-08-03T07:02:05+02:00 <p>Over the last couple of days I have found it much easier to not eat when I'm not hungry.<br> Is this because I have correctly identified what I am feeling and why? Can it really be this simple?<br> I know not everyone will agree that their fat has some advantages. I've mentioned this in real life and on various forums and people disagree vehmenently. They HATE their fat, it does nothing for them- they seem almost insulted by the idea that they may be making/keeping themselves fat on purpose.<br> I imagine most people would be as animated as to the possibility of being scared of being thin. Even more so. I bet they say they long to be thin, there is nothing they want more. I haven't suggested it to anyone except a fellow IEer who is in the same place as I am and she seemed interested. However, she could just have been distracted by screaming children. I need some feedback on this thought.<br> Anyhow, the fact remains that in the afternoon, when I want to binge, I now know what I am feeling is anxiety/fear of being thin(ner).<br> So I acknowledge this, tell myself that it will be okay and I will deal with it when it happens. I let myself feel the fear and give myself a mental hug. It's scary but it's going to be okay.<br> I think this is why I have resisted some of the principles of IE that would be most helpful for me- tune in, put it on a plate, eat mindfully.... Not because I'm worried it won't work for me but WHAT IF IT DOES?? What if I do eat less and lose weight? Diets were fine, I always knew I'd 'fail' at those in the end but IE is different.<br> So is this THE lighbulb moment for me? I know it is a moment.<br> We'll just have to see if it's a big moment or a smaller one. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/08/03/fear-of-thinness-cont-6639804/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Over the last couple of days I have found it much easier to not eat when I'm not hungry.
Is this because I have correctly identified what I am feeling and why? Can it really be this simple?
I know not everyone will agree that their fat has some advantages. I've mentioned this in real life and on various forums and people disagree vehmenently. They HATE their fat, it does nothing for them- they seem almost insulted by the idea that they may be making/keeping themselves fat on purpose.
I imagine most people would be as animated as to the possibility of being scared of being thin. Even more so. I bet they say they long to be thin, there is nothing they want more. I haven't suggested it to anyone except a fellow IEer who is in the same place as I am and she seemed interested. However, she could just have been distracted by screaming children. I need some feedback on this thought.
Anyhow, the fact remains that in the afternoon, when I want to binge, I now know what I am feeling is anxiety/fear of being thin(ner).
So I acknowledge this, tell myself that it will be okay and I will deal with it when it happens. I let myself feel the fear and give myself a mental hug. It's scary but it's going to be okay.
I think this is why I have resisted some of the principles of IE that would be most helpful for me- tune in, put it on a plate, eat mindfully.... Not because I'm worried it won't work for me but WHAT IF IT DOES?? What if I do eat less and lose weight? Diets were fine, I always knew I'd 'fail' at those in the end but IE is different.
So is this THE lighbulb moment for me? I know it is a moment.
We'll just have to see if it's a big moment or a smaller one.

Comments

]]>School's out.http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/07/31/school-s-out-6627743/2009-07-31T22:06:03+02:00 <p>There may be a reader out there somewhere who doesn't realise it's the school holidays, but I doubt it.<br> 2 weeks down, 5 to go. The last 2 weeks we are on holiday but we still have three to fill. The weather hasn't been great but the holidays haven't been too dire.<br> I managed to get away for an overnight spa break with some friends earlier this week. It was very relaxing but I was aware the whole time of how quickly it would all be over. It was good for me to have some 'time off' though. I would love to do it more often.</p> <p>My feet are much better at last so I've started walking again. I only had two physio sessions but the toe raises and calf stretches have helped so much. I saw a different physio the second time who pointed out I needed to strengthen the muscles in the arch of my foot. Orthotics can support but they don't make it stronger- so I need to concentrate on doing that to help myself.</p> <p>At my last appointment with V, we mulled over my inclination to eat when hungry in the afternoon. Why do I do this? I actually feel quite anxious if I don't have a little binge at that time. This question has been going around and around in my head and I've always come back to how my fat gives me an advantage in many aspects of my life.<br> It protects me, like a 'thick skin' would. People don't take me seriously and expect me to be thick- just because I am fat. I don't like to dress up or wear make up and to me this seems more acceptable as a fat person. A thin person is expected to make 'some effort'- when you are my size people assume you are beyond help. If people speak to me and seem to want to be my friend, I know they really like me. If they don't seem to like me, then I can blame my fat- it's not really my fault. And I know I am safe from unwanted attention from men- as someone who has been on the sharp end of that particular pointy stick then I feel safer knowing that any attention I receive from men is purely platonic. </p> <p>The other day I was going through these rather common reasons and realised that, not only do I quite like being fat, but I am also scared of being thin(ner). The thought actually makes me anxious- the feeling is very similar to the anxiety I experience in the afternoons when I feel like I must eat.<br> I', worried that if I was thin(ner) people would notice me more (ironically fat people are almost invisible), I would be 'expected' to make more effort with my appearance ( which begs the question; why don't I want to make an effort- am I not worth it, am I too lazy or am trying to piss my mother off), people will expect more of me in general. If people try and make friends with me, they may only like me for my appearance. If they don't like me I can no longer blame my fat <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>My mother constantly ignores the many things I have achieved in my almost 40 years on this planet; my degree, my marriage, my kids, and prefers to focus on the fact I am fat. Oh and that I don't wear make up or dress nicely ( unlike my sister on all of those counts-she's thin, well dressed and made up but has neither a degree, a husband or children. It's not a pissing contest but I don't think this is a co incidence).<br> I guess I get some perverse pleasure in being fat beacause it bothers my mother so much. She doesn't really like me all( although I'm sure she loves me)and I guess, while I'm fat, I have something to blame. If I was thin, then the most likely excuse for my own mother disliking me would disappear....</p> <p>Hold that thought, I think I'm on to something here. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/07/31/school-s-out-6627743/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>There may be a reader out there somewhere who doesn't realise it's the school holidays, but I doubt it.
2 weeks down, 5 to go. The last 2 weeks we are on holiday but we still have three to fill. The weather hasn't been great but the holidays haven't been too dire.
I managed to get away for an overnight spa break with some friends earlier this week. It was very relaxing but I was aware the whole time of how quickly it would all be over. It was good for me to have some 'time off' though. I would love to do it more often.

My feet are much better at last so I've started walking again. I only had two physio sessions but the toe raises and calf stretches have helped so much. I saw a different physio the second time who pointed out I needed to strengthen the muscles in the arch of my foot. Orthotics can support but they don't make it stronger- so I need to concentrate on doing that to help myself.

At my last appointment with V, we mulled over my inclination to eat when hungry in the afternoon. Why do I do this? I actually feel quite anxious if I don't have a little binge at that time. This question has been going around and around in my head and I've always come back to how my fat gives me an advantage in many aspects of my life.
It protects me, like a 'thick skin' would. People don't take me seriously and expect me to be thick- just because I am fat. I don't like to dress up or wear make up and to me this seems more acceptable as a fat person. A thin person is expected to make 'some effort'- when you are my size people assume you are beyond help. If people speak to me and seem to want to be my friend, I know they really like me. If they don't seem to like me, then I can blame my fat- it's not really my fault. And I know I am safe from unwanted attention from men- as someone who has been on the sharp end of that particular pointy stick then I feel safer knowing that any attention I receive from men is purely platonic.

The other day I was going through these rather common reasons and realised that, not only do I quite like being fat, but I am also scared of being thin(ner). The thought actually makes me anxious- the feeling is very similar to the anxiety I experience in the afternoons when I feel like I must eat.
I', worried that if I was thin(ner) people would notice me more (ironically fat people are almost invisible), I would be 'expected' to make more effort with my appearance ( which begs the question; why don't I want to make an effort- am I not worth it, am I too lazy or am trying to piss my mother off), people will expect more of me in general. If people try and make friends with me, they may only like me for my appearance. If they don't like me I can no longer blame my fat :(

My mother constantly ignores the many things I have achieved in my almost 40 years on this planet; my degree, my marriage, my kids, and prefers to focus on the fact I am fat. Oh and that I don't wear make up or dress nicely ( unlike my sister on all of those counts-she's thin, well dressed and made up but has neither a degree, a husband or children. It's not a pissing contest but I don't think this is a co incidence).
I guess I get some perverse pleasure in being fat beacause it bothers my mother so much. She doesn't really like me all( although I'm sure she loves me)and I guess, while I'm fat, I have something to blame. If I was thin, then the most likely excuse for my own mother disliking me would disappear....

Hold that thought, I think I'm on to something here.

Comments

]]>Oooh- a mention!http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/07/03/oooh-a-mention-6441054/2009-07-03T09:48:59+02:00 <p>I had more viewers than usual yesterday because I got a mention in the BC newsletter.<br> Hello to anyone out there!</p> <p>Anyhow, I had physiotherapy on Tuesday for my PF. It was quite painful but very relaxing as there was not a small child in sight! I had ultrasound treatment and have some exercises to do, it made me realise how weak I am. I need to start doing some weights again, I used to enjoy that when I belonged to a gym. We also have a X trainer in the garage that I might pull out and relocate to the living room. I think I would use it more in the house. We'll see.</p> <p>I had a very interesting chat with my lifecoach the other day. One of my continuing frustration is my tendancy to procrastinate and feel bad about it, so eat instead. It drives me mad as I KNOW i'd feel so much better if I'd just get off my arse and do whatever I should be doing.<br> V suggested that I was doing this to rebel against my busy life and instead of telling myself off about it I should listen to my body which obviously wants some time to relax. She suggested I give myself some time to myself in which I do whatever I feel like doing, then do what ever I'm putting off.<br> I've always thought I *should* do the hated thing first, then have some me time.<br> It's an interesting shift in perspective- very much in line with IE principles.</p> <p>The heat over the last few days has suppressed my appetite and I've been eating out of hunger a much higher percentage fo the time. I think this is artificial but who knows?</p> <p>Ok, I have a 3 y o to get to nursery and a dog thats needs walking. DS will be in and out of the buggy as he often is these days, so I can't see it being an intense exercise session!!!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/07/03/oooh-a-mention-6441054/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I had more viewers than usual yesterday because I got a mention in the BC newsletter.
Hello to anyone out there!

Anyhow, I had physiotherapy on Tuesday for my PF. It was quite painful but very relaxing as there was not a small child in sight! I had ultrasound treatment and have some exercises to do, it made me realise how weak I am. I need to start doing some weights again, I used to enjoy that when I belonged to a gym. We also have a X trainer in the garage that I might pull out and relocate to the living room. I think I would use it more in the house. We'll see.

I had a very interesting chat with my lifecoach the other day. One of my continuing frustration is my tendancy to procrastinate and feel bad about it, so eat instead. It drives me mad as I KNOW i'd feel so much better if I'd just get off my arse and do whatever I should be doing.
V suggested that I was doing this to rebel against my busy life and instead of telling myself off about it I should listen to my body which obviously wants some time to relax. She suggested I give myself some time to myself in which I do whatever I feel like doing, then do what ever I'm putting off.
I've always thought I *should* do the hated thing first, then have some me time.
It's an interesting shift in perspective- very much in line with IE principles.

The heat over the last few days has suppressed my appetite and I've been eating out of hunger a much higher percentage fo the time. I think this is artificial but who knows?

Ok, I have a 3 y o to get to nursery and a dog thats needs walking. DS will be in and out of the buggy as he often is these days, so I can't see it being an intense exercise session!!!

Comments

]]>Awww- how sweet.http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/06/24/awww-how-sweet-6376236/2009-06-24T08:19:11+02:00 <p>Blog.co.uk misses me. It must be true because the message is in my inbox <img src="/img/smilies/icon_lol.gif" alt=":DD" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I'm so slack/busy but I think it's really important that I keep on blogging; it does help me to get my thoughts down 'on paper' and it's a kind of caring for myself. This is something I am dreadfully bad at <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>So where am I IE-wise? A friend and I are 1/3 of the way through an IE course with BC. It's not being hugely helpful for me. It's good having the notes and questions to work through but I find it frustrating having it drip fed to me in weekly installments. It's all kind of revision for us as we've both done the IE workshop- I feel a bit frustrated with it tbh.<br> I'm not sure what my weight is doing,I thought it had gone down a little but now I'm not so sure. I've done a lot of retail shopping on ebay though and now I have loads of clothes that fit me.<br> I've been reading parenting books instead of IE books atm- my 7 year old has suddenly sprouted hormones and I've discovered that the carrot and stick approach of discipline is not going to work for us , so I'm looking into more child centred alternatives. The kids are keeping me very busy actually- and the summer holidays are fast approaching-eeeeeeek.<br> My walking/ exercise is going a little better. I saw a consultant for my plantar fasciitis the other day and will start physiotherapy next week. Of course, this means I have to find childcare for the 18 month old who has entered search and destroy mode and can't accompany me anywhere that there may be buttons to press. The consultant basically said to keep my MBTs on most of the day, instead of going bare foot and it has really helped.<br> It's still sore in the mornings though.</p> <p>Anyhow the school run beckons.<br> TTFN</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/06/24/awww-how-sweet-6376236/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Blog.co.uk misses me. It must be true because the message is in my inbox :DD

I'm so slack/busy but I think it's really important that I keep on blogging; it does help me to get my thoughts down 'on paper' and it's a kind of caring for myself. This is something I am dreadfully bad at :(

So where am I IE-wise? A friend and I are 1/3 of the way through an IE course with BC. It's not being hugely helpful for me. It's good having the notes and questions to work through but I find it frustrating having it drip fed to me in weekly installments. It's all kind of revision for us as we've both done the IE workshop- I feel a bit frustrated with it tbh.
I'm not sure what my weight is doing,I thought it had gone down a little but now I'm not so sure. I've done a lot of retail shopping on ebay though and now I have loads of clothes that fit me.
I've been reading parenting books instead of IE books atm- my 7 year old has suddenly sprouted hormones and I've discovered that the carrot and stick approach of discipline is not going to work for us , so I'm looking into more child centred alternatives. The kids are keeping me very busy actually- and the summer holidays are fast approaching-eeeeeeek.
My walking/ exercise is going a little better. I saw a consultant for my plantar fasciitis the other day and will start physiotherapy next week. Of course, this means I have to find childcare for the 18 month old who has entered search and destroy mode and can't accompany me anywhere that there may be buttons to press. The consultant basically said to keep my MBTs on most of the day, instead of going bare foot and it has really helped.
It's still sore in the mornings though.

Anyhow the school run beckons.
TTFN

Comments

]]>Fatmum is crap, crap, crap!http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/05/20/fatmum-is-crap-crap-crap-6147630/2009-05-20T15:27:06+02:00 <p>45 days!!!<br> I forgot about this for 45 days!<br> Shame on me- oh well.<br> Hmm, what's been happening?<br> Well, I didn't do the moonwalk, which I was gutted about. I didn't have time to do enough training and my plantar fasciitis didn't disappear in time, so I'm planning to try again next year.<br> And as far as IE goes, I think I'm a very little bit ahead I think. I got hole of a copy of Geneen Roth's 'When Food is Love'. For some reason this is quite an old book that is out of print, so I had to order a 2nd hand copy from the States. But it was well worth it for me.<br> This was such a powerful book for me, so much seemed relevant; I could only read small bits at a time.<br> I do think the key to 'getting' IE for me is emotion. I need to work on unearthing the emotions that I try to cover by binging eating when not hungry.<br> Today, I was in the car, driving the kids home from soft play. It was a 40 min drive home, 20 mins of that on the motorway and I was bored. I so wanted to eat and finished what was left of DD3's sweets. I'm not sure how to 'sit with' boredom! Any suggestions?<br> Actually, maybe I'm feeling fear as well? Driving does freak me out a bit, especially on motorways and I rarely drive anywhere without entertaining the possibility that we could all be wiped out in a horrible car crash. Thats a pretty reasonable thought to want to squash isn't it?<br> But right now, I'm safe at home and trying not to slip into my usual afternoon feeding frenzy. I actually feel sad when I don't eat- almost tearful in fact. Why? Is it because I'm realising that food can't actually fill the hole?</p> <p>Anyhow, I'm embarking on the BC e course this week, so that should give me something concrete to witter on about. I bet you can't wait.... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/05/20/fatmum-is-crap-crap-crap-6147630/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>45 days!!!
I forgot about this for 45 days!
Shame on me- oh well.
Hmm, what's been happening?
Well, I didn't do the moonwalk, which I was gutted about. I didn't have time to do enough training and my plantar fasciitis didn't disappear in time, so I'm planning to try again next year.
And as far as IE goes, I think I'm a very little bit ahead I think. I got hole of a copy of Geneen Roth's 'When Food is Love'. For some reason this is quite an old book that is out of print, so I had to order a 2nd hand copy from the States. But it was well worth it for me.
This was such a powerful book for me, so much seemed relevant; I could only read small bits at a time.
I do think the key to 'getting' IE for me is emotion. I need to work on unearthing the emotions that I try to cover by binging eating when not hungry.
Today, I was in the car, driving the kids home from soft play. It was a 40 min drive home, 20 mins of that on the motorway and I was bored. I so wanted to eat and finished what was left of DD3's sweets. I'm not sure how to 'sit with' boredom! Any suggestions?
Actually, maybe I'm feeling fear as well? Driving does freak me out a bit, especially on motorways and I rarely drive anywhere without entertaining the possibility that we could all be wiped out in a horrible car crash. Thats a pretty reasonable thought to want to squash isn't it?
But right now, I'm safe at home and trying not to slip into my usual afternoon feeding frenzy. I actually feel sad when I don't eat- almost tearful in fact. Why? Is it because I'm realising that food can't actually fill the hole?

Anyhow, I'm embarking on the BC e course this week, so that should give me something concrete to witter on about. I bet you can't wait....

Comments

]]>In a bad mood..http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/04/04/in-a-bad-mood-5889633/2009-04-04T17:00:17+02:00 <p>I want an apple ...and some muesli...and milk in my tea.<br> I had a couple of slices of white toast with butter and cheese this morning which is what I quite often have on a normal day. But because this is about all I can eat for the next couple of days, all I can think about is what i can't eat <img src="/img/smilies/icon_rolleyes.gif" alt=":roll:" class="middle" border="0"><br> I've eaten when I'm not hungry all day- I haven't even allowed myself a squeak of hunger <img src="/img/smilies/icon_redface.gif" alt=":oops:" class="middle" border="0"> Pah- I'm not even cross with myself because i *knew* this would happen.<br> I have a potato omelette in mind for tonight and I'm wondering if a glass of white wine would do any harm....<br> J</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/04/04/in-a-bad-mood-5889633/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I want an apple ...and some muesli...and milk in my tea.
I had a couple of slices of white toast with butter and cheese this morning which is what I quite often have on a normal day. But because this is about all I can eat for the next couple of days, all I can think about is what i can't eat :roll:
I've eaten when I'm not hungry all day- I haven't even allowed myself a squeak of hunger :oops: Pah- I'm not even cross with myself because i *knew* this would happen.
I have a potato omelette in mind for tonight and I'm wondering if a glass of white wine would do any harm....
J

Comments

]]>We, who are about to diet, salute you.http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/04/03/we-who-are-about-to-diet-salute-you-5881773/2009-04-03T08:23:19+02:00 <p>On Monday I am having a colonoscopy. For those of you who are lucky enough not to have any idea what I'm talking about, lookie here:<br> <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colonoscopy">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colonoscopy</a></p> <p>I'm not expecting it to be pleasant although I am going down the sedation route.( A surprising number of people opt out).DH is taking a day off so I'm trying to see it as a day off childcare duties.</p> <p>Anyhoooo- the point of this post is, for two days before the 'procedure'( ie from tomorrow), I am only allowed to eat cheese, white bread, butter, eggs and potato without skin! I am also allowed to drink clear fluids so am wondering if white wine or gin is permitted.</p> <p>After 18 months of eating pretty much what I please, it feels very strange to be about to be restricted in what I'm eating and I'm experiencing a classic 'feast before mentality' famine!</p> <p>Off to do the school run now but I'm going to blog about this whole thing over the weekend, so will be back.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/04/03/we-who-are-about-to-diet-salute-you-5881773/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>On Monday I am having a colonoscopy. For those of you who are lucky enough not to have any idea what I'm talking about, lookie here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colonoscopy

I'm not expecting it to be pleasant although I am going down the sedation route.( A surprising number of people opt out).DH is taking a day off so I'm trying to see it as a day off childcare duties.

Anyhoooo- the point of this post is, for two days before the 'procedure'( ie from tomorrow), I am only allowed to eat cheese, white bread, butter, eggs and potato without skin! I am also allowed to drink clear fluids so am wondering if white wine or gin is permitted.

After 18 months of eating pretty much what I please, it feels very strange to be about to be restricted in what I'm eating and I'm experiencing a classic 'feast before mentality' famine!

Off to do the school run now but I'm going to blog about this whole thing over the weekend, so will be back.

Comments

]]>Hello again!http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/03/11/hello-again-5738215/2009-03-11T19:01:51+01:00 <p>Oh I've been negligent,I know.<br> I don't even have a good excuse apart from life getting in the way.<br> Life in the form of a minor bout of depression, poorly children, a contrary three year old, walking the dog, house work, running a taxi service and a 14 month old who has learned to walk.<br> So thinking about IE has taken a bit of a back seat.<br> I've just been cruising along and I think I may have lost a little weight but whereas I used to beat myself up over the numbers on the scales, I now beat myself up when I eat when I'm not hungry. I am starting to realise *why* I'm eaing and think about how I'm feeling at those times. It's usually when I have something coming up that I'm not looking forward to (like bath time- i HATE bathtime!)<br> I found blogging really helped me work things before so I'm back...<br> I am walking though. I bought myself new shoes last week and am gradually getting fitter but it's hard to find time to go for a walk without a child. I count myself lucky if I get out with just the one in the buggy. I have a place in the 'half moon' ( 13 miles) on the 16 of May , so need to be able to walk 10 miles by then.My legs and feet are so sore at the moment- I've hoping it's my body getting used to the new shoes and not just because i'm so FAT <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wink.gif" alt=";)" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/03/11/hello-again-5738215/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Oh I've been negligent,I know.
I don't even have a good excuse apart from life getting in the way.
Life in the form of a minor bout of depression, poorly children, a contrary three year old, walking the dog, house work, running a taxi service and a 14 month old who has learned to walk.
So thinking about IE has taken a bit of a back seat.
I've just been cruising along and I think I may have lost a little weight but whereas I used to beat myself up over the numbers on the scales, I now beat myself up when I eat when I'm not hungry. I am starting to realise *why* I'm eaing and think about how I'm feeling at those times. It's usually when I have something coming up that I'm not looking forward to (like bath time- i HATE bathtime!)
I found blogging really helped me work things before so I'm back...
I am walking though. I bought myself new shoes last week and am gradually getting fitter but it's hard to find time to go for a walk without a child. I count myself lucky if I get out with just the one in the buggy. I have a place in the 'half moon' ( 13 miles) on the 16 of May , so need to be able to walk 10 miles by then.My legs and feet are so sore at the moment- I've hoping it's my body getting used to the new shoes and not just because i'm so FAT ;)

Comments

]]>Bad bad bad mumhttp://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/01/16/bad-bad-bad-mum-5385168/2009-01-16T00:25:58+01:00 <p>I really haven't been doing a very good job of IE lately. Or of this blog. <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"><br> BUt I think I'm ready to get back on track and be mindful about what I'm eating. I left a bunch of mashed potatoes tonight that I really didn't like tonight so thats a good start, isn't it?<br> I really don't like the way I'm eating at the moment. I'm stuffing myself with food instead of feeling what I feel. And then I'm beating myself up about eating the food which makes me feel worse and want to eat again.<br> Same old, same old.<br> Q</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/01/16/bad-bad-bad-mum-5385168/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I really haven't been doing a very good job of IE lately. Or of this blog. :(
BUt I think I'm ready to get back on track and be mindful about what I'm eating. I left a bunch of mashed potatoes tonight that I really didn't like tonight so thats a good start, isn't it?
I really don't like the way I'm eating at the moment. I'm stuffing myself with food instead of feeling what I feel. And then I'm beating myself up about eating the food which makes me feel worse and want to eat again.
Same old, same old.
Q

Comments

]]>Fat Mum says Happy New Year!http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/01/02/fat-mum-says-happy-new-year-5312597/2009-01-02T17:15:44+01:00 <p>What a bad blogger I've been!<br> Anyhow, here I am- Xmas is over, DD1's party is over , NYE is over and it's January.<br> Kids are off school until Tuesday, they need to go back soon as they are driving me mental! It's been quite cold here, no snow or anything but a couple of frosts and getting them outside for some activity has been a challenge.<br> My knee has improved quite a bit with physio and now I'm on on a regime of trying to walk 'normally' everyday- so for maybe 20-30 minutes. Then I can start upping the pace.I don't have any decent shoes yet either, I also need to get a coat for walking in. Preferably one with a fleece lining- I don't have anything suitable that fits at the moment and trying to squeeze into too small ones is so depressing. I find that nothing gives me a panic attack about my weight as not having clothes that fit comfortably. I'm much more relaxed about my weight and my eating if I know I have clothes.</p> <p>I've really been eating out of mouth hunger the majority of the time. There is so much food around that I don't usually have in the house. I thought I'd dealt with my legalisation issues but obviously not for chocolate biscuits ( really nice ones), boxes of chocs, mince pies and brandy butter and cheese. Oh well, life's a bitch......</p> <p>I haven't even been asking myself if I really want something when I'm not actually hungry. I guess I'm a bit afraid that I have really lost my way on this journey but today I've been taking it easy, waiting for stomach hunger to come along and then paying attention for signs of satisfaction. I was out for lunch today and turned down a flap jack because I was satisfied- now there's one for the bank. I had a little binge when I got home again though- we'll actually I was hungry for Xmas pudding and custard but we didn't have any, so I had chocolate biscuits instead and then discovered a forgotton pack of mince pies....so I had two of those with the custrd instead and they did very well. A classic case of ' should have' eaten what I really wanted.</p> <p>Yay, it's the weekend!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2009/01/02/fat-mum-says-happy-new-year-5312597/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>What a bad blogger I've been!
Anyhow, here I am- Xmas is over, DD1's party is over , NYE is over and it's January.
Kids are off school until Tuesday, they need to go back soon as they are driving me mental! It's been quite cold here, no snow or anything but a couple of frosts and getting them outside for some activity has been a challenge.
My knee has improved quite a bit with physio and now I'm on on a regime of trying to walk 'normally' everyday- so for maybe 20-30 minutes. Then I can start upping the pace.I don't have any decent shoes yet either, I also need to get a coat for walking in. Preferably one with a fleece lining- I don't have anything suitable that fits at the moment and trying to squeeze into too small ones is so depressing. I find that nothing gives me a panic attack about my weight as not having clothes that fit comfortably. I'm much more relaxed about my weight and my eating if I know I have clothes.

I've really been eating out of mouth hunger the majority of the time. There is so much food around that I don't usually have in the house. I thought I'd dealt with my legalisation issues but obviously not for chocolate biscuits ( really nice ones), boxes of chocs, mince pies and brandy butter and cheese. Oh well, life's a bitch......

I haven't even been asking myself if I really want something when I'm not actually hungry. I guess I'm a bit afraid that I have really lost my way on this journey but today I've been taking it easy, waiting for stomach hunger to come along and then paying attention for signs of satisfaction. I was out for lunch today and turned down a flap jack because I was satisfied- now there's one for the bank. I had a little binge when I got home again though- we'll actually I was hungry for Xmas pudding and custard but we didn't have any, so I had chocolate biscuits instead and then discovered a forgotton pack of mince pies....so I had two of those with the custrd instead and they did very well. A classic case of ' should have' eaten what I really wanted.

Yay, it's the weekend!

Comments

]]>Round two.http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/23/round-two-5266265/2008-12-23T22:33:30+01:00 <p>Ding ding!<br> There have been two 'things' going around here; a vomiting thing ( which they've all had) and a feverish 'thing' ( which they've not had).<br> DD2 had a temperature and was a bit droopy yesterday, today it's DD's turn. Poor kid, We've struggled to get her temperature down under 39C. She's in bed now, along with all of them. They haven't been too bad today considering it's so close to Xmas.</p> <p>Eating wise, I've done some grazing rather than binging I guess. By which I mean I've eaten food I'm not hungry for. But it's not premeditated binging (ie I'm going to eat something NOW); rather a gentle 'that looks nice, I wonder what it tastes like, oh yum, I think I'll have some more......'<br> I guess thats a step forward?<br> The reason for eating when I'm not hungry is the same old , same old I guess- too much to do and too little time to do it in and the fact that no one really *cares for* ( as opposed to cares about) me.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/23/round-two-5266265/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Ding ding!
There have been two 'things' going around here; a vomiting thing ( which they've all had) and a feverish 'thing' ( which they've not had).
DD2 had a temperature and was a bit droopy yesterday, today it's DD's turn. Poor kid, We've struggled to get her temperature down under 39C. She's in bed now, along with all of them. They haven't been too bad today considering it's so close to Xmas.

Eating wise, I've done some grazing rather than binging I guess. By which I mean I've eaten food I'm not hungry for. But it's not premeditated binging (ie I'm going to eat something NOW); rather a gentle 'that looks nice, I wonder what it tastes like, oh yum, I think I'll have some more......'
I guess thats a step forward?
The reason for eating when I'm not hungry is the same old , same old I guess- too much to do and too little time to do it in and the fact that no one really *cares for* ( as opposed to cares about) me.

Comments

]]>Fat Mum goes for a limp!http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/22/fat-mum-goes-for-a-limp-5258619/2008-12-22T10:53:10+01:00 <p>I think my knee is improving. The physio on Friday night said that I wasn't bending it because it was sore; and I wasn't bending it it was getting adhesions behind the kneecap, so I had to get using it. She gave me some exercises, which I've been doing like a mad thing and told me to take paracetamol and ibuprofen on a rolling schedule to get rid of inflammation.</p> <p>Last night, I was able to hobble around the block to get some money from the hole in the wall without too much discomfort. Actually my foot on the other leg is starting to ache again now-grrrr. But I'm finally mobile again- Moonwalk, here I come!</p> <p>Eating wise, I've been doing very well. I'm not dreading Xmas at all this year- not like I usually am. I'm just interested to see what I'm going to feel like eating! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/22/fat-mum-goes-for-a-limp-5258619/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I think my knee is improving. The physio on Friday night said that I wasn't bending it because it was sore; and I wasn't bending it it was getting adhesions behind the kneecap, so I had to get using it. She gave me some exercises, which I've been doing like a mad thing and told me to take paracetamol and ibuprofen on a rolling schedule to get rid of inflammation.

Last night, I was able to hobble around the block to get some money from the hole in the wall without too much discomfort. Actually my foot on the other leg is starting to ache again now-grrrr. But I'm finally mobile again- Moonwalk, here I come!

Eating wise, I've been doing very well. I'm not dreading Xmas at all this year- not like I usually am. I'm just interested to see what I'm going to feel like eating!

Comments

]]>Fat Mum wants to know..http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/19/fat-mum-wants-to-know-5248028/2008-12-19T23:55:42+01:00 <p>if I have grounds to get off murder?</p> <p>I am 'recovering' from a knee operation- it hurts quite a lot. I haven't been able to take it as easy as I was told to.<br> 3 of my 4 children have been sick in the last 72 hours. The other one hasn't been able to go out for 3 days and has been bouncing off the walls and driving me completely crazy.<br> DH has been flat out at work, then went out for 'drinkies' on Wednesday night-lucky him, I haven't even got out for walkies this week!</p> <p>The nanny, who was supposed to be around to give me a hand this week, has been off with bronchitis-poor her <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p> And today the baby started vomiting but hey, it's the weekend-DH is around to help.</p> <p>But no, he's decided he has ( and I quote)'a yucky tummy', and has taken himself and a bowl off to bed. He didn't even eat dinner.</p> <p>If he throws up, he'd better do it quietly..... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/19/fat-mum-wants-to-know-5248028/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>if I have grounds to get off murder?

I am 'recovering' from a knee operation- it hurts quite a lot. I haven't been able to take it as easy as I was told to.
3 of my 4 children have been sick in the last 72 hours. The other one hasn't been able to go out for 3 days and has been bouncing off the walls and driving me completely crazy.
DH has been flat out at work, then went out for 'drinkies' on Wednesday night-lucky him, I haven't even got out for walkies this week!

The nanny, who was supposed to be around to give me a hand this week, has been off with bronchitis-poor her :(

And today the baby started vomiting but hey, it's the weekend-DH is around to help.

But no, he's decided he has ( and I quote)'a yucky tummy', and has taken himself and a bowl off to bed. He didn't even eat dinner.

If he throws up, he'd better do it quietly.....

Comments

]]>Fat Mum posts live from the house of disease.http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/18/pat-mum-posts-live-from-the-house-of-disease-5239180/2008-12-18T00:59:34+01:00 <p> DS has a rash that we thought could be measles and DD1 and DD2 were up vomiting all night, so it was like Watford General here this morning. The drama quotient was increased when we had to inform DD1 that we'd had to cancel her 7th birthday party tomorrow. I don't know if she'll ever forgive me <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"><br> DH slunk off to work semi-apologetically and is yet to slink back in.<br> I hope he had a good time drinking with his mates because he's not going to have a good time here <img src="/img/smilies/grayupset.gif" alt=":##" class="middle" border="0"><br> I'm feeling a bit queasy myself and not at all hungry so have eaten very little today. It feels odd.<br> Off to bed..... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/18/pat-mum-posts-live-from-the-house-of-disease-5239180/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p> DS has a rash that we thought could be measles and DD1 and DD2 were up vomiting all night, so it was like Watford General here this morning. The drama quotient was increased when we had to inform DD1 that we'd had to cancel her 7th birthday party tomorrow. I don't know if she'll ever forgive me :(
DH slunk off to work semi-apologetically and is yet to slink back in.
I hope he had a good time drinking with his mates because he's not going to have a good time here :##
I'm feeling a bit queasy myself and not at all hungry so have eaten very little today. It feels odd.
Off to bed.....

Comments

]]>Fat Mum is on a Binge- WATCH OUT FOOD!http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/15/fat-mum-is-on-a-binge-watch-out-food-5226921/2008-12-15T18:09:55+01:00 <p>For the first time since 'the penny dropped' I've just eaten my way through the day <img src="/img/smilies/icon_rolleyes.gif" alt=":roll:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I've got some good reasons, so I'm frantically trying not to panic and call myself rude names.<br> I'm stuck at home with two small kids, my knee hurts a lot more than I thought it would, my childcare has let me down today ( not her fault- she's sick), I'm supposed to be cleaning up the lounge (not happening), Xmas is approaching and so is DD1's birthday and we have very little food in the house so I'm working my way through what we do have.</p> <p>As per, I'm feeling very unloved and very uncared for <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>The kids are watching Hi-5 Christmas and it's making me a bit homesick for Christmas on the beach and I'm reminded that my grandfather is not well and the whole family is 12,000 miles away....</p> <p>Can you tell I'm feeling sorry for myself?<br> <img src="/img/smilies/grayupset.gif" alt=":##" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/15/fat-mum-is-on-a-binge-watch-out-food-5226921/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>For the first time since 'the penny dropped' I've just eaten my way through the day :roll:

I've got some good reasons, so I'm frantically trying not to panic and call myself rude names.
I'm stuck at home with two small kids, my knee hurts a lot more than I thought it would, my childcare has let me down today ( not her fault- she's sick), I'm supposed to be cleaning up the lounge (not happening), Xmas is approaching and so is DD1's birthday and we have very little food in the house so I'm working my way through what we do have.

As per, I'm feeling very unloved and very uncared for :(

The kids are watching Hi-5 Christmas and it's making me a bit homesick for Christmas on the beach and I'm reminded that my grandfather is not well and the whole family is 12,000 miles away....

Can you tell I'm feeling sorry for myself?
:##

Comments

]]>Fat Mum needs to get out.http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/13/fat-mum-needs-to-get-out-5216645/2008-12-13T22:46:32+01:00 <p>I now haven't left the house for three days. To be honest, it's been so miserable today, I'm not sad to stay in but I do feel a little weird. I went out the front to put a nappy in the bin and had a touch of agraphobia and had to rush back inside; I really must get out tomorrow!</p> <p>My knee is okay but it's like I have a sign on it saying 'HIT ME HERE'. Yesterday, I managed to fend off the kids all day, then the dog came up behind me and ran into it-Owwwww! And then this morning I went down the stairs 'good leg first'-NOT a good idea! I just need to keep taking those pain killers....</p> <p>IE wise, I'm doing okay now my cold is finally disappearing. My nose is so much better today, I can actually breath out it. I am trying to experiment with how much I'm eating when I'm hungry- ie- Just eat enough to satisfy me. I was doing well this morning until DH bought me a bacon, sausage and egg baguette home from DD2's ballet class. I think I have a problem when people bring me food- I find it hard to say no <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I'm going to have a little wine tonight and I might try driving around the block tomorrow. I'd really like to be able to drive on Monday, once DH goes back to work.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/13/fat-mum-needs-to-get-out-5216645/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I now haven't left the house for three days. To be honest, it's been so miserable today, I'm not sad to stay in but I do feel a little weird. I went out the front to put a nappy in the bin and had a touch of agraphobia and had to rush back inside; I really must get out tomorrow!

My knee is okay but it's like I have a sign on it saying 'HIT ME HERE'. Yesterday, I managed to fend off the kids all day, then the dog came up behind me and ran into it-Owwwww! And then this morning I went down the stairs 'good leg first'-NOT a good idea! I just need to keep taking those pain killers....

IE wise, I'm doing okay now my cold is finally disappearing. My nose is so much better today, I can actually breath out it. I am trying to experiment with how much I'm eating when I'm hungry- ie- Just eat enough to satisfy me. I was doing well this morning until DH bought me a bacon, sausage and egg baguette home from DD2's ballet class. I think I have a problem when people bring me food- I find it hard to say no :(

I'm going to have a little wine tonight and I might try driving around the block tomorrow. I'd really like to be able to drive on Monday, once DH goes back to work.

Comments

]]>Fat Mum survived!http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/12/fat-mum-survived-5211803/2008-12-12T22:25:49+01:00 <p>It was fine- I had a lovely sleep after doing battle with some cow of a nurse who was determined that I should know what my weight was ( I insisted on being weighed backwards!) and then gave me a much-too-small gown. I asked for a bigger one- I'm *only* size 22 and they do obesity surgery at that hospital for gods sake!!!</p> <p>Anyhow- after a couple of hours , I was tucked up in bed , watching TV and having a nice cup of tea and a sarnie-bliss!<br> My knee is a bit sore and stiff but not too bad. My DH took the day off to look after the kids that day but has been working from home the last couple of days so I've had a couple of little binges in protest at not being as 'cared for' as I think I should be. I an't drive or walk for any distance though, so I'm going a bit stir crazy <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I have a busy week coming up- end of school on friday and my eldests 7 birthday on Thursday, I'm having 15 giggling girls in the house- wish me luck.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/12/fat-mum-survived-5211803/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>It was fine- I had a lovely sleep after doing battle with some cow of a nurse who was determined that I should know what my weight was ( I insisted on being weighed backwards!) and then gave me a much-too-small gown. I asked for a bigger one- I'm *only* size 22 and they do obesity surgery at that hospital for gods sake!!!

Anyhow- after a couple of hours , I was tucked up in bed , watching TV and having a nice cup of tea and a sarnie-bliss!
My knee is a bit sore and stiff but not too bad. My DH took the day off to look after the kids that day but has been working from home the last couple of days so I've had a couple of little binges in protest at not being as 'cared for' as I think I should be. I an't drive or walk for any distance though, so I'm going a bit stir crazy :(

I have a busy week coming up- end of school on friday and my eldests 7 birthday on Thursday, I'm having 15 giggling girls in the house- wish me luck.

Comments

]]>Fat Mum as an interested observer.http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/09/fat-mum-as-an-interested-observer-5192442/2008-12-09T21:16:25+01:00 <p>I know I've been a bad blogger but I've been a bit sick. Really, my cold turned into a bit of a chest infection and I had to take to my bed. I'm still snotty but not like death warmed up as I was a few days ago. DH had to take a couple of days off as I was just exhausted. Anyhow, I'm feeling a bit better now- thank goodness. I'm a terrible nurse but I'm an even worse patient.</p> <p>IE-wise: I've decided I've got a bit hung up on the weight loss aspect and am trying to adopt the 'Your weight is none of you business' approach touted in the Diet Survivors Handbook. It's a nice little read if you like your IE basics in short bursts ( Which I do).<br> I'm concentrating on my eating when I'm hungry, Stopping when I am satisfied ( rather than full)and trying to work out what I feel like eating. I find this really hard when I have a cold but I noticed some interesting things.<br> Sunday, I ate a lot of stodge- MaccyD's for Lunch, Pizza for Dinner! Monday, I craved fruit and veggies. Today, I want to binge- I can't work out what would hit the spot but I've tried a bit of chocolate, some biscuits, a sarnie, some fruit...and I still want to eat. I suspect nothing is going to fill the gap as I'm not hungry, just anxious about a minor operation I'm having tomorrow. I have worn all the cartilage off the back of my patella and it's pretty painful; I'm having an arthroscopy and the surgeon is going to scrap all the bony growths off. Sounds fun, huh? No wonder I'm worried- the pain doesn't bother me but I need a GA and am worried I'm going to die under the anaesthetic. I know my DH would cope but I worry about my kids losing a parent at their ages. Oh, I know I'm being overly dramatic but this is how I'm feeling and eating is helping me deal with it.....a little.<br> It's times like this I wish I had a little religion.</p> <p>I'm off to do a bit of last minute tidying up and write some lists. Think of me.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/09/fat-mum-as-an-interested-observer-5192442/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I know I've been a bad blogger but I've been a bit sick. Really, my cold turned into a bit of a chest infection and I had to take to my bed. I'm still snotty but not like death warmed up as I was a few days ago. DH had to take a couple of days off as I was just exhausted. Anyhow, I'm feeling a bit better now- thank goodness. I'm a terrible nurse but I'm an even worse patient.

IE-wise: I've decided I've got a bit hung up on the weight loss aspect and am trying to adopt the 'Your weight is none of you business' approach touted in the Diet Survivors Handbook. It's a nice little read if you like your IE basics in short bursts ( Which I do).
I'm concentrating on my eating when I'm hungry, Stopping when I am satisfied ( rather than full)and trying to work out what I feel like eating. I find this really hard when I have a cold but I noticed some interesting things.
Sunday, I ate a lot of stodge- MaccyD's for Lunch, Pizza for Dinner! Monday, I craved fruit and veggies. Today, I want to binge- I can't work out what would hit the spot but I've tried a bit of chocolate, some biscuits, a sarnie, some fruit...and I still want to eat. I suspect nothing is going to fill the gap as I'm not hungry, just anxious about a minor operation I'm having tomorrow. I have worn all the cartilage off the back of my patella and it's pretty painful; I'm having an arthroscopy and the surgeon is going to scrap all the bony growths off. Sounds fun, huh? No wonder I'm worried- the pain doesn't bother me but I need a GA and am worried I'm going to die under the anaesthetic. I know my DH would cope but I worry about my kids losing a parent at their ages. Oh, I know I'm being overly dramatic but this is how I'm feeling and eating is helping me deal with it.....a little.
It's times like this I wish I had a little religion.

I'm off to do a bit of last minute tidying up and write some lists. Think of me.

Comments

]]>Everything tastes like cardboard. (TMI alert)http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/05/everything-tastes-like-cardboard-tmi-alert-5167273/2008-12-05T13:42:35+01:00 <p>My nose is still streaming with thick green snot. It's horrible and my nose is now bleeding when i blow it. In an effort to get some sleep last night I tried some 'Night Nurse', something I've never had before. OMG- why has no one ever told me this stuff is green.<br> And it tastes of cardboard, but that could just be me as EVERYTHING tastes like cardboard. I was eating some nuts the other day and DD3 had chucked a bit of her smartie box in the bowl; i chewed it a few times by mistake before I realised it WAS cardbord.<br> DH made me a spicy curry the other night and although it made my nose run even more it still tasted like.....cardboard.</p> <p>My poor taste buds, are they ever going to work again?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/05/everything-tastes-like-cardboard-tmi-alert-5167273/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>My nose is still streaming with thick green snot. It's horrible and my nose is now bleeding when i blow it. In an effort to get some sleep last night I tried some 'Night Nurse', something I've never had before. OMG- why has no one ever told me this stuff is green.
And it tastes of cardboard, but that could just be me as EVERYTHING tastes like cardboard. I was eating some nuts the other day and DD3 had chucked a bit of her smartie box in the bowl; i chewed it a few times by mistake before I realised it WAS cardbord.
DH made me a spicy curry the other night and although it made my nose run even more it still tasted like.....cardboard.

My poor taste buds, are they ever going to work again?

Comments

]]>Fatmum still has a cold.http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/03/fatmum-still-has-a-cold-5159809/2008-12-03T23:27:23+01:00 <p>How long can one bloody cold last? I am sick of blowing my nose so hard that my ears hurt when they pop and I feel dizzy ( I've learnt I should do this sitting down). I'm sick of waking myself up with my own snoring ( Luckily DH is a heavy sleeper). My nose is dry and sore and cracked from constant dripping and wiping. ( sorry TMI I know <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"> )</p> <p>Tomorrow we have our book club Xmas meal and I really don't think I'm going to go. Dh is out at what passes for a Xmas party in his line of work these days so we were getting a babysitter in but the wee boy has a raging case of bum blisters and is pretty unhappy about it, so if I feel like I do right now then I'm staying in.</p> <p>Anyone got any miraculous cold remedies?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/12/03/fatmum-still-has-a-cold-5159809/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>How long can one bloody cold last? I am sick of blowing my nose so hard that my ears hurt when they pop and I feel dizzy ( I've learnt I should do this sitting down). I'm sick of waking myself up with my own snoring ( Luckily DH is a heavy sleeper). My nose is dry and sore and cracked from constant dripping and wiping. ( sorry TMI I know :( )

Tomorrow we have our book club Xmas meal and I really don't think I'm going to go. Dh is out at what passes for a Xmas party in his line of work these days so we were getting a babysitter in but the wee boy has a raging case of bum blisters and is pretty unhappy about it, so if I feel like I do right now then I'm staying in.

Anyone got any miraculous cold remedies?

Comments

]]>Fat Mum is falling apart.http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/11/30/fat-mum-is-falling-apart-5137101/2008-11-30T13:25:32+01:00 <p>Seriously, I feel like something the cat threw up.</p> <p>1/I have a stinky cold. The works: sore throat, racking cough, snot for Africa, no voice ( the kids just laugh at me), sinus pain etc, etc Blah</p> <p>2/ My chin is Zit central. I am 38 years old FFS. Not 18- no one told me about acne in middle age! There is some teenager out there with no zits because they are all on my face-grrrrr.</p> <p>3/ I have a sore knee that the consultant tells me is down to me wearing the cartilage of my patella away. I am booked in for a look see on the 10th December. Just before Xmas- not sure the timing is great but it's really sore and I need to get it sorted before I start training properly for the moonwalk.</p> <p>4/ I managed to break my toe on friday night. The little one on the same side as my sore knee. I kicked it against the stair post and it swelled up and when black immediately. Ouch. I haven't been to have an xray as there is nothing they can do. I've strapped it up well and with all the painkillers I am taking for my knee it's not hurting too badly now. But i could have done with out it.</p> <p>As far as IE goes, I'm not feeling like I'm doing very well but if i think about it I haven't been binging- it's just I find it hard to fancy anything in particular although I am hungry.</p> <p>Blah. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/11/30/fat-mum-is-falling-apart-5137101/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Seriously, I feel like something the cat threw up.

1/I have a stinky cold. The works: sore throat, racking cough, snot for Africa, no voice ( the kids just laugh at me), sinus pain etc, etc Blah

2/ My chin is Zit central. I am 38 years old FFS. Not 18- no one told me about acne in middle age! There is some teenager out there with no zits because they are all on my face-grrrrr.

3/ I have a sore knee that the consultant tells me is down to me wearing the cartilage of my patella away. I am booked in for a look see on the 10th December. Just before Xmas- not sure the timing is great but it's really sore and I need to get it sorted before I start training properly for the moonwalk.

4/ I managed to break my toe on friday night. The little one on the same side as my sore knee. I kicked it against the stair post and it swelled up and when black immediately. Ouch. I haven't been to have an xray as there is nothing they can do. I've strapped it up well and with all the painkillers I am taking for my knee it's not hurting too badly now. But i could have done with out it.

As far as IE goes, I'm not feeling like I'm doing very well but if i think about it I haven't been binging- it's just I find it hard to fancy anything in particular although I am hungry.

Blah.

Comments

]]>Every day is different.http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/11/26/every-day-is-different-5110407/2008-11-26T10:36:33+01:00 <p>Yet another way that IE is not like a diet.....</p> <p>On Monday I was starving; genuinely hungry and didn't seem to stop eating all day. It scared me a bit actually, I couldn't help thinking abut all the weight I'd be putting on. It's hard to trust your body sometimes. When I thought about it I realised I had been rushing around all day and it was freezing cold. Also, while I was eating constantly, it was only a few mouthfuls each time.</p> <p>Yesterday, I didn't get very hungry at all. But I was tired and a little stressed so I ate out of mouth hunger quite a lot. But thats the wonderful thing about IE; if you have a little( or even a big) binge and use food to comfort yourself it doesn't really matter. You just make sure you binge on something you really want and wait until you feel hungry again. It's fine. You can't do any damage and it doesn't matter. If you want to binge it's fine; it's allowed- it's sometimes helpful to gently question yourself about why you might be using food though.<br> So I was at the 'gently questioning' stage when I had a flash of a memory. My weight ( eating) 'problems' started around the time my father left us, when I was 8 years old. I can remember the feeling I had when I realised he'd gone, it was a physical pain- much like a hunger pain, only higher up in my chest I think. My response to this pain was to treat it like hunger, and eat. Of course the eating didn't make the pain go away but it did dull it for a bit.<br> I'm guess what I'm trying to say is that, for me, I find it useful to think about why I'm wanting to eat. Quite a lot of the time, If I really think about it, I find I don't actually want to eat at all.</p> <p>On a less serious not, I bought a box of Dunkin Doughnuts the other day. I selected a glazed one but only managed half before I realised I wasn't actually enjoying it. The other half went in the bin and the kids ate the rest. ( My children are not rubbish bins.....) </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/11/26/every-day-is-different-5110407/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Yet another way that IE is not like a diet.....

On Monday I was starving; genuinely hungry and didn't seem to stop eating all day. It scared me a bit actually, I couldn't help thinking abut all the weight I'd be putting on. It's hard to trust your body sometimes. When I thought about it I realised I had been rushing around all day and it was freezing cold. Also, while I was eating constantly, it was only a few mouthfuls each time.

Yesterday, I didn't get very hungry at all. But I was tired and a little stressed so I ate out of mouth hunger quite a lot. But thats the wonderful thing about IE; if you have a little( or even a big) binge and use food to comfort yourself it doesn't really matter. You just make sure you binge on something you really want and wait until you feel hungry again. It's fine. You can't do any damage and it doesn't matter. If you want to binge it's fine; it's allowed- it's sometimes helpful to gently question yourself about why you might be using food though.
So I was at the 'gently questioning' stage when I had a flash of a memory. My weight ( eating) 'problems' started around the time my father left us, when I was 8 years old. I can remember the feeling I had when I realised he'd gone, it was a physical pain- much like a hunger pain, only higher up in my chest I think. My response to this pain was to treat it like hunger, and eat. Of course the eating didn't make the pain go away but it did dull it for a bit.
I'm guess what I'm trying to say is that, for me, I find it useful to think about why I'm wanting to eat. Quite a lot of the time, If I really think about it, I find I don't actually want to eat at all.

On a less serious not, I bought a box of Dunkin Doughnuts the other day. I selected a glazed one but only managed half before I realised I wasn't actually enjoying it. The other half went in the bin and the kids ate the rest. ( My children are not rubbish bins.....)

Comments

]]>Fat Mum get baggy.http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/11/22/fat-mum-get-baggy-5088859/2008-11-22T23:35:44+01:00 <p>I have physical proof that I am really losing weight!</p> <p>I have a pair of trousers on that were uncomfortably tight last month. They are quite roomy now. Also my wedding and engagement rings turn around comfortably: I can't get them off yet but I reckon in a month or two they will come off, no problemo.<br> My watch could do with going down a notch but I'm just enjoying having it flopping around on my wrist for now.<br> And the weirdest thing of all, my belly button has got shallower ( DO not ask how I found this out!). Before having children, I had one of those bottomless navels but it stretched alot during pregnancy. As I've got bigger and bigger, it's got deeper and deeper but now I'm losing it's much shallower- I guess it means fat is disappearing from around my middle which has got to be a good thing.</p> <p>I know losing weight isn't the answer to all of lifes problems, it doesn't make you happier; just thinner.<br> As Fern Britton has found out</p> <p><a href="http://www.ok.co.uk/celebnews/view/5325/Fern-Size-hasn-t-made-me-happy-/">http://www.ok.co.uk/celebnews/view/5325/Fern-Size-hasn-t-made-me-happy-/</a></p> <p>I think I will enjoy buying clothes in 'normal' stores again though.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/11/22/fat-mum-get-baggy-5088859/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I have physical proof that I am really losing weight!

I have a pair of trousers on that were uncomfortably tight last month. They are quite roomy now. Also my wedding and engagement rings turn around comfortably: I can't get them off yet but I reckon in a month or two they will come off, no problemo.
My watch could do with going down a notch but I'm just enjoying having it flopping around on my wrist for now.
And the weirdest thing of all, my belly button has got shallower ( DO not ask how I found this out!). Before having children, I had one of those bottomless navels but it stretched alot during pregnancy. As I've got bigger and bigger, it's got deeper and deeper but now I'm losing it's much shallower- I guess it means fat is disappearing from around my middle which has got to be a good thing.

I know losing weight isn't the answer to all of lifes problems, it doesn't make you happier; just thinner.
As Fern Britton has found out

http://www.ok.co.uk/celebnews/view/5325/Fern-Size-hasn-t-made-me-happy-/

I think I will enjoy buying clothes in 'normal' stores again though.

Comments

]]>Fat Mum gets satisfaction.http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/11/21/fat-mum-gets-satisfaction-5075146/2008-11-21T14:40:03+01:00 <p>I seem to be cruising along happily in IE at the moment so I've ramped it up a notch.<br> I'm eating from Stomach Hunger more often from Mouth Hunger and I'm getting better about eating what I want BUT.... I'm eating past the point of satisfaction. I think I'm tipping over into pretty full most of the time. This is fine I know, I used to eat until I was fit to pop but I want to experiment and see how little I need to eat.<br> Now, before anyone panics and starts lining me up as a future anorexic, let me just stress that I am a/ eating when I'm hungry and b/ thinking long and hard about what I really want to eat.<br> And I'm eating until I'm satisfied, so I am no where near starving myself.</p> <p>But it is shocking how little I seem to need <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"><br> I find it unsettling as part of me still thinks that food is how I care for myself, but I'm beginning to realise that listening to my body's needs is far more important than shoving food into it each time I get a feeling.<br> Today I went to Costas and felt like apple pie. They didn't have anything there but I thought a blueberry muffin might do the trick. I had a small latte as well and cut the muffin into 4. I ate 1 1/4 than half another 1/4 and got a satified signal, loud and clear. So I finished my latte and left more than half my muffin behind. It wasn't really very nice tbh.</p> <p>I still wanted Apple pie and icecream so I got one from budgens and had a slice the next time I was hungry but i think what I actually wanted was apple crumble-Oh well! The only ice cream we had in was 33% less fat stuff too. I could def taste the difference.</p> <p>One last thing- I also went into the local running shop to get fitted for some shoes to do the Moonwalk in. They were pretty nice about it actually. It can't be everyday they have someone my size come lumbering in-LOL. I'm pretty proud of myself as I even went on the treadmill and got videoed so they could check the way I walked. It was pretty shocking footage but I'm working hard on accepting my body as it it, and I didn't cringe or apologise for my size.I've got weird feet so I'm going back in a couple of weeks to see if they have some shoes in that might fit me better.</p> <p>Anyhow, Baby is down for a sleep. DH working from home so I'm going to seize the moment and go walk the hound.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/11/21/fat-mum-gets-satisfaction-5075146/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I seem to be cruising along happily in IE at the moment so I've ramped it up a notch.
I'm eating from Stomach Hunger more often from Mouth Hunger and I'm getting better about eating what I want BUT.... I'm eating past the point of satisfaction. I think I'm tipping over into pretty full most of the time. This is fine I know, I used to eat until I was fit to pop but I want to experiment and see how little I need to eat.
Now, before anyone panics and starts lining me up as a future anorexic, let me just stress that I am a/ eating when I'm hungry and b/ thinking long and hard about what I really want to eat.
And I'm eating until I'm satisfied, so I am no where near starving myself.

But it is shocking how little I seem to need :(
I find it unsettling as part of me still thinks that food is how I care for myself, but I'm beginning to realise that listening to my body's needs is far more important than shoving food into it each time I get a feeling.
Today I went to Costas and felt like apple pie. They didn't have anything there but I thought a blueberry muffin might do the trick. I had a small latte as well and cut the muffin into 4. I ate 1 1/4 than half another 1/4 and got a satified signal, loud and clear. So I finished my latte and left more than half my muffin behind. It wasn't really very nice tbh.

I still wanted Apple pie and icecream so I got one from budgens and had a slice the next time I was hungry but i think what I actually wanted was apple crumble-Oh well! The only ice cream we had in was 33% less fat stuff too. I could def taste the difference.

One last thing- I also went into the local running shop to get fitted for some shoes to do the Moonwalk in. They were pretty nice about it actually. It can't be everyday they have someone my size come lumbering in-LOL. I'm pretty proud of myself as I even went on the treadmill and got videoed so they could check the way I walked. It was pretty shocking footage but I'm working hard on accepting my body as it it, and I didn't cringe or apologise for my size.I've got weird feet so I'm going back in a couple of weeks to see if they have some shoes in that might fit me better.

Anyhow, Baby is down for a sleep. DH working from home so I'm going to seize the moment and go walk the hound.

Comments

]]>Fat Mum gets a foot rub.http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/11/18/fat-mum-gets-a-foot-rub-5060391/2008-11-18T23:18:42+01:00 <p>I am still down in the dumps and it's starting to piss me off; God knows what it's doing to my nearest and dearest (DH,if you are reading this- bugger off!)</p> <p>I'm pretty sure it's all tied into a kind of grief process over the loss of my friend, food. I've heard of people experiencing similar when they stop drinking or using drugs so it stands to reason it might be the same when you stop 'using' food.</p> <p>Anyhow- today I had some reflexology so I want to witter on about it a bit. Reflexology is common referred to as a 'foot massage' but it's much more than that.Te idea is that areas on the feet correspond with areas of the body and as these are massaged, it has an effect on the areas/ organs of your body.<br> I have really ugly feet and I'm not too keen on people touching them. A lot of people feel like this and I often have people say to me 'I can't stand anyone touching my feet' but it's not ticklish and it is very relaxing. E comes to my house with a fold out chair and I have an hour of sitting down, with my feet up and having a chat. I am usually in a better mood after a treatment as well so it's good all round.<br> I don't like full body massages although have enjoyed dry floatation treatments in the past so if you are like me and don't enjoy strange people touching you, maybe a reflexology treatment is a good way to start being nice to your body.<br> A good site to find someone near you is<br> <a href="http://www.britreflex.co.uk/">http://www.britreflex.co.uk/</a></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/11/18/fat-mum-gets-a-foot-rub-5060391/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I am still down in the dumps and it's starting to piss me off; God knows what it's doing to my nearest and dearest (DH,if you are reading this- bugger off!)

I'm pretty sure it's all tied into a kind of grief process over the loss of my friend, food. I've heard of people experiencing similar when they stop drinking or using drugs so it stands to reason it might be the same when you stop 'using' food.

Anyhow- today I had some reflexology so I want to witter on about it a bit. Reflexology is common referred to as a 'foot massage' but it's much more than that.Te idea is that areas on the feet correspond with areas of the body and as these are massaged, it has an effect on the areas/ organs of your body.
I have really ugly feet and I'm not too keen on people touching them. A lot of people feel like this and I often have people say to me 'I can't stand anyone touching my feet' but it's not ticklish and it is very relaxing. E comes to my house with a fold out chair and I have an hour of sitting down, with my feet up and having a chat. I am usually in a better mood after a treatment as well so it's good all round.
I don't like full body massages although have enjoyed dry floatation treatments in the past so if you are like me and don't enjoy strange people touching you, maybe a reflexology treatment is a good way to start being nice to your body.
A good site to find someone near you is
http://www.britreflex.co.uk/

Comments

]]>Fat Mum hates Mondays.http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/11/18/fat-mum-hates-mondays-5054962/2008-11-18T00:33:02+01:00 <p>Mondays are tooooo busy. They are non-stop and we are on a schedule from the moment I open my eyes. A lot of that schedule used to revolve around food but these days there is a definite emptiness where mealtimes used to be.<br> I actually resent it; it makes me quite annoyed when I start thinking of food when i KNOW it's not what I want/ need.But food used to calm me down, distract me when I was bored and help me channel my anger towards my eating. Now I'm left to sort out ways of dealing with these uncomfortable times myself.<br> I think it helps to think of my body as slightly separate from myself- almost like a small child that I need to care for. It needs company, warmth, shelter and food and non of these things can be substituted for any of the others.<br> I've spend far too many years thinking food is the answer to all of lifes problems and it's very strange not having an old friend beside me all the time.<br> It's still there of course, but it plays a different role now. Food is mainly for when I'm hungry these days. I went out by myself tonight to wander around the local supermarket to see what I might fancy to have around the house.<br> I didn't find very much that appealed: a couple of lemon yoghurt, a some cheats latte coffee and some nice muesli bars. I looked at the donuts and baked goods that I had such a great time legalising a few months ago and I just didn't really fancy them. I couldn't get very excited about anything I saw. This is what I resent I think- there is an emptiness where I used to really enjoy food. Now it's purely functional.<br> It tastes great when I'm hungry but I can't get excited about it.<br> I guess it's no wonder life is a bit blah at the moment.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/11/18/fat-mum-hates-mondays-5054962/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Mondays are tooooo busy. They are non-stop and we are on a schedule from the moment I open my eyes. A lot of that schedule used to revolve around food but these days there is a definite emptiness where mealtimes used to be.
I actually resent it; it makes me quite annoyed when I start thinking of food when i KNOW it's not what I want/ need.But food used to calm me down, distract me when I was bored and help me channel my anger towards my eating. Now I'm left to sort out ways of dealing with these uncomfortable times myself.
I think it helps to think of my body as slightly separate from myself- almost like a small child that I need to care for. It needs company, warmth, shelter and food and non of these things can be substituted for any of the others.
I've spend far too many years thinking food is the answer to all of lifes problems and it's very strange not having an old friend beside me all the time.
It's still there of course, but it plays a different role now. Food is mainly for when I'm hungry these days. I went out by myself tonight to wander around the local supermarket to see what I might fancy to have around the house.
I didn't find very much that appealed: a couple of lemon yoghurt, a some cheats latte coffee and some nice muesli bars. I looked at the donuts and baked goods that I had such a great time legalising a few months ago and I just didn't really fancy them. I couldn't get very excited about anything I saw. This is what I resent I think- there is an emptiness where I used to really enjoy food. Now it's purely functional.
It tastes great when I'm hungry but I can't get excited about it.
I guess it's no wonder life is a bit blah at the moment.

Comments

]]>Party Post Mortemhttp://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/party-post-mortem-5048349/2008-11-17T00:29:24+01:00 <p>It was okay actually.<br> It was nice to get out of the house without a child in tow and meet some new people and talk to some that I already knew. Unfortunately my knee being sore meant I spent most of the evening sitting down; in front of some Japanese rice crackers & bread sticks. I was impressed that I managed not to notice them at all until I was on my 3rd glass of vino rosso, thus proving that IE doesn't work when I'm pissed.<br> Oh well, today was another day......</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/party-post-mortem-5048349/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>It was okay actually.
It was nice to get out of the house without a child in tow and meet some new people and talk to some that I already knew. Unfortunately my knee being sore meant I spent most of the evening sitting down; in front of some Japanese rice crackers & bread sticks. I was impressed that I managed not to notice them at all until I was on my 3rd glass of vino rosso, thus proving that IE doesn't work when I'm pissed.
Oh well, today was another day......

Comments

]]>Fat Mum prepares for a night out.http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/11/15/fat-mum-prepares-for-a-night-out-5039389/2008-11-15T13:38:34+01:00 <p>We are going to a party.<br> Not a kids' party either, a grown up one! I can't remember the last time we went out to a party together. I'm not a hugely social animal in this sort of situation but it's a 40th party for a friend. I hate having to make an effort to wear 'nice' clothes when nothing looks nice on me. I don't wear makeup so always feel odd in a room full of made up ladies. I hate being looked up and down by people who just see me as a fattie and i HATE eating in front of strangers. Because I'm quite anxious in these situations, then I often overeat out of anxiety and I imagine everyone is looking at my (heaped) plate thinking 'no wonders she's the size she is'.</p> <p>So the plan:<br> I have plain, comfortable but smart clothes. Black trousers and tunic top<br> I think I have some mascara and lipstick....somewhere......<br> I now think of my fat as a built in jerk-detector, so if anyone is rude to me or treats me as a dumb fat chick, I'll move on but not before I've burnt them to a crisp with my sharp wit and a withering look ( in my dreams!).<br> The food is a buffet so I've decided I'll go hungry. Them I'm going to look around for what looks delicious and take a portion. If it's nice I can go back for more, if it's not i won't finish it. I will *NOT* be embarrassed by going up to help myself more than once.</p> <p>Oh, and I must remember not to drink too much alcohol either. I suspect this may be my greatest challenge.... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://fatmumwalking.blog.co.uk/2008/11/15/fat-mum-prepares-for-a-night-out-5039389/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>We are going to a party.
Not a kids' party either, a grown up one! I can't remember the last time we went out to a party together. I'm not a hugely social animal in this sort of situation but it's a 40th party for a friend. I hate having to make an effort to wear 'nice' clothes when nothing looks nice on me. I don't wear makeup so always feel odd in a room full of made up ladies. I hate being looked up and down by people who just see me as a fattie and i HATE eating in front of strangers. Because I'm quite anxious in these situations, then I often overeat out of anxiety and I imagine everyone is looking at my (heaped) plate thinking 'no wonders she's the size she is'.

So the plan:
I have plain, comfortable but smart clothes. Black trousers and tunic top
I think I have some mascara and lipstick....somewhere......
I now think of my fat as a built in jerk-detector, so if anyone is rude to me or treats me as a dumb fat chick, I'll move on but not before I've burnt them to a crisp with my sharp wit and a withering look ( in my dreams!).
The food is a buffet so I've decided I'll go hungry. Them I'm going to look around for what looks delicious and take a portion. If it's nice I can go back for more, if it's not i won't finish it. I will *NOT* be embarrassed by going up to help myself more than once.

Oh, and I must remember not to drink too much alcohol either. I suspect this may be my greatest challenge....

Comments

]]>